Making The Best of Post-Divorce Parenting

by Virginia Murray

Five years ago psychotherapist (and former Active Parenting leader) Susan Boyan met a child whose sorry story took her to a breaking point. She was a four-year-old, a cute little girl whose red hair was falling out in chunks. She also had an ulcer, and an angry, recently divorced (and remarried) mother. It soon became clear to Boyan that the girl was in serious trouble, but it was also obvious that the problem wasn't the girl's alone. Boyan asked to see the adults in the girl's life-father, mother and step-father-and was promptly fired. The problem, insisted the mother, was with her ex-husband. She did not believe the rest of the family needed therapy.

Boyan had observed for years how the vicious fighting of divorcing parents too often involved their children, and was frustrated that there were no intervention programs for this particular form of child abuse. Although she was unable to help the little girl with the ulcer, her plight was the motivation Boyan needed to take action. Together with an associate, therapist Ann Marie Termini, she wrote Cooperative Parenting and Divorce, a program devoted to transforming quarreling former couples into "co-parents." The co-parents become child-focused, learning to work as a team responsible for rearing their children in ways that shield their children from the harmful effects of divorce.

The first version of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce was the "Co-Parent Format," meaning that a therapist works directly with the co-parents for at least 14 sessions. The program is usually ordered by judges, an arrangement that Boyan welcomes. "It's a way to mandate parents to do the right thing," she says. Few newly-divorced people are willing to undergo joint therapy with their former spouse, even if it's for their children's well-being. "They say it's too soon, they're not ready for more trauma," says Boyan. Research has shown, however, that "the sooner you get to the parents, the better the chance of interrupting the negative patterns they get into."

The problem is that as people recover from divorce, they tend to focus on the negative and get locked into those distorted beliefs. Soon it becomes an oddly comforting habit, one that is unhealthy for both parent and child.

"When people are in love, they see only the positive traits of the other person. Then on the flip side, when they are no longer in love, the opposite happens, and they can no longer see any good in the person. It becomes all or nothing." Unfortunately for the child-who still loves both parents-a great deal of psychological damage can occur during this time if the parents behave badly in front of him.

The Co-Parent Format of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce is for divorced couples with moderate to severe conflict and is closely linked with the legal system. It requires the leadership of licensed therapists who have been certified as Parent Coordinators after undergoing training in the Cooperative Parenting and Divorce program. They have a range of responsibilities-from ordering alcohol and drug tests to reporting on the couple's compliance and progress to the judge. Often, Boyan laughs ruefully, "I'm the bad guy." Even so, the number of therapists using Cooperative Parenting and Divorce is growing as they are finding the program to be an excellent way to address a nagging problem-children's post-divorce recovery-while expanding their clinical practice.

"It's like a ray of sunshine into domestic relations cases," says Judge Jackson Bedford of the Superior Court of Fulton County (GA). Bedford, who estimates that he refers one couple a month to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce, reports that the results have almost always been positive. This is part of the reason for his confidence in the program; the other part is that he knows and trusts the Parent Coordinator. "That personal contact and level of confidence is important to me as a judge."

Not all couples have such severe conflict, however, and several years after the debut of the Co-Parent Format Boyan and Termini were convinced to adapt it into a Group Format. This is for couples with mild to moderate conflict, and lasts only eight sessions. Both parents are urged to attend, although they are not required to sit or work together during sessions.

Group Format classes are led by trained facilitators using a Leader's Guide, much like other Active Parenting classes. Facilitators do not have to be licensed therapists, but it does take a special kind of person to lead a Cooperative Parenting and Divorce group. "I think it takes someone with a good understanding of this population," Boyan says. "Leaders would need to be very patient and good at keeping order." Other qualities she mentions that are necessary for a leader are confidence, compassion and assertiveness. "And if they've been divorced themselves, they need to have their own issues resolved before leading a class."

Although these co-parents are not as troubled as those in the more intense format, there is still a lot of emotional baggage to sort through. Eight sessions is two more than the usual Active Parenting program, but Boyan says it's barely enough.

It can be challenging work, but the number of Cooperative Parenting and Divorce leaders is growing quickly as word spreads about the program. More and more judges are referring people, and divorce attorneys play a part as well ("We find that lawyers either love the program or hate it, usually depending on if their client is a cooperative parent," says Boyan). Inquiries have been received from as far away as Hong Kong.

The good news is that, while most parents are reluctant to come to their first group-format class, surveys have shown that by the end, 95 percent express satisfaction with the classes and say they would recommend it to others. Most also indicate an improvement in their relationship with the co-parent. Georgia mother Michele Lynberg, a Cooperative Parenting and Divorce graduate, says she wishes the program had existed when she got divorced in 1992: "It would be much better to start off trying to use this than going through litigation and evaluations."

And the children? For them, research shows that the single most important cause of poor adjustment after divorce is parental conflict. By all accounts children love seeing their parents taking classes, working on their relationship with the other parent, and focusing their attention on the kids. "They love it. They are thrilled to see their parents being held accountable," says Boyan. "And that's worth everything."

Eight Steps toward a healthier co-parenting relationship

In eight sessions of 2.5 hours each, Cooperative Parenting and Divorce facilitators lead their groups through the following steps. Participants (usually 8 to10 per group) follow along in their Parent's Guides.
STEP ONE: Making the Commitment to Caring
Parents learn to recognize parental hostility and discover how conflict affects their child's development. Factors which influence a child's adjustment are presented, and the notion of "child-focused" versus "self-focused" is proposed and stressed throughout the program.
STEP TWO: Allowing My Child to Love Both Parents
Parents learn to identify the positive qualities of the child's other parent. They learn to create two homes, minimize stress at transitions, and make it a positive experience for their child. They determine the ways they put their child in the middle of their conflict, and discover the ways their children struggle to avoid a loyalty bind.
STEP THREE: Changing My Long-Term Role
Parents discover that their anger and bitterness keep them emotionally attached to one another, and learn ways to let go. The grief process, forgiveness and the value of rituals are reviewed.
STEP FOUR: Choosing My Personal Path
Parents clarify their personal choices and identify a personal path. The term "realignment" is introduced to assist parents in creating a new role as co-parents. The notion of secondary gains, boundaries and the non-interference principle are presented. Characteristics of a business relationship are taught as they apply to a co-parenting relationship. The STP-A(Stop, Think, Pause, Act) technique is demonstrated.
STEP FIVE: Managing My Own Anger
Parents explore the emotion of anger. Parents recognize their distorted beliefs and how their negative assumptions create negative feelings toward the other parent. The Anger Connection (cognitive restructuring) is presented to teach parents how their thoughts create their feelings. Parents are taught to take responsibility for their actions rather than wait for their co-parent to change, and are exposed to a variety of strategies to manage their anger as well as their child's anger.
STEP SIX: Taking Control of Conflict
Parents examine the cycle of conflict and practice defusing or resolving conflict. They learn effective communication and listening skills and learn the advantages of effective communication between co-parents. Tips for dealing with unreasonable expectations and limit-setting techniques are taught and practiced.
STEP SEVEN: Negotiating Agreement
Problem-solving techniques and business relationship skills are examined from a divorced parent's position. A seven-step negotiation method is demonstrated. Parents discover that negotiating on behalf of their child means that if their child wins then everyone is the winner.
STEP EIGHT:Co-Parenting is Forever
Parents learn how to determine the validity and seriousness of their concerns, the seriousness of their concerns and practice how to address these issues in a productive manner. To formalize their joint commitment to their child's future, co-parents participate in a "Co-Parenting Is Forever" ceremony at the end of the program.

The Cooperative Parenting and Divorce program kit and leader training are available from Active Parenting Publishers. Call 800-825-0060 or see our catalog.

Reprinted from Leader magazine.
Copyright 1998 by Active Parenting Publishers, Inc.