Indiana leader invites both parents and their children to participate in her groups...Leader Fall 1998 #4

Indiana leader invites both parents and their children to participate in her
groups.

by Colleen O'Brien

Pat Elkington's unique approach to parent education has made Active Parenting a family affair for residents of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Since leading her first class at CAP Counseling Services in 1995, Elkington has invited children and teens to attend the sessions with their parents. Today, child participation is the rule rather than the exception, and Elkington wouldn't have it any other way.

"I really don't know how you can do a successful program without having the children there," she explains. "The sharing that takes place between parent and child makes for an optimal learning environment. Parents should not keep their attempt to change a secret from their children. Children need to understand the process behind this change. Then they can either join their parents' efforts or sabotage what the parents are trying to do. If they choose to sabotage, it means that there are other, deeper issues in the family that need to be addressed outside of the parent education context."

Elkington encourages active participation from both parents and children. "I have the kids do the activities right along with their parents," she explains. "They practice 'I' Messages and the Family Talk, Active Communication and Problem Solving models. I also challenge them to write letters of encouragement to their parents. It is a very powerful experience for a parent to receive a letter of encouragement from a child...it's a great motivator."

According to Elkington, parents of teenagers seem to reap the most benefit from having their teens at the sessions. "We do a lot of role playing, especially during the active communication exercises," she says. "I always tell the teens to pick a topic that they know will get a really big reaction from their parents. The parents then must articulate how they believe the child is feeling at that moment, rather than how the parents feel. This is often very difficult for parents to do, but it is essential to the process that the parents understand why their teens feel and react the way they do. Parents gain so much more knowledge by completing this exercise with their children than simply by role playing with other adults."

The teens themselves form immediate bonds with one another and seem to find self-affirmation in this group setting. Elkington has noted that by the second or third session, the majority of teens are making positive strides, recognizing problems and deciding how to resolve them. "The teens are our biggest contributors," she laughs. "We can't get them to stop talking! They especially like learning the styles of parenting because it enables them to identify why their parents react the way they do. They are also very helpful to each other. Several have developed their own support groups as a follow-up to the program."

Originally established as a substance abuse treatment agency, CAP Counseling Services now offers a variety of resources to families. Parents are referred to the agency from several different sources. Those referred by the Department of Family and Children Services are required to take the Active Parenting course as a step toward getting their children back. Referrals also come form the Status Offenders Court Alternative Program, Juvenile Probation and Drug Courts.

In addition to facilitating on-going Active Parenting Today, Active Parenting of Teens and 1, 2, 3, 4, Parents! programs at the agency, Elkington travels throughout the community, leading groups at area schools and churches. She estimates that she has reached over 250 families since 1995, many of whom return to take the programs a second or third time.

"We are in a unique position at the agency because the parenting programs we offer are not isolated programs," she explains. "Rather, participants are encouraged to use community resources and other resources available at the center while they are in a program. My long-term goal in working with families is to encourage them to start other healthy avenues for themselves that they will able to continue once the program is over."

Elkington has found it necessary to modify the programs in various ways to accommodate the special needs of the parents in her courses. "I don't follow the Leader's Guide," she explains. "I have found that it is more effective to introduce the concepts before showing the video segments. It makes more sense for the parents if they know what we are talking about before they watch the video."

She cautions that this approach is not correct for every leader or every group. "I wouldn't recommend that a new leader take this approach," she explains. "I think it takes years of working with families and learning how to earn their trust to be able to do this because I am asking them to dig up some very personal information before I actually teach them anything. The situation has to be handled delicately at times."

Elkington has celebrated many successes with the families with whom she has worked. She fondly recalls how three generations of one family attended a 1, 2, 3, 4 Parents! workshop. The seventeen-year-old daughter had just had a baby. Because she still lived at home, her parents and her grandmother, as well as the baby's father, were referred to the group. Elkington conducted a private educational group with them, focusing on the changes in parenting skills and the family structure that have occurred since the grandmother's time. "It was a real family experience," recalls Elkington. "The support system was wonderful."

She also remembers the progress made by a divorced couple and their two teenage daughters. The mother had already attended an Active Parenting Today class with her youngest son. Six months later the father took the Active Parenting of Teens class with his two daughters, one of whom was in placement at the time. He was interested in having his daughter come live with him following her placement.

"The class opened up so many topics that they had to address before she could move into his house," she says. "They wanted to make sure that they covered all the bases, that they weren't missing anything that might prove volatile to them in the future." The daughter finally moved into the house-a step Elkington believes would not have been possible if they had not taken the program and learned how to communicate respectfully with one another.

Perhaps the most pronounced change was evidenced by a father and his young daughter. The parents had divorced when the daughter was just an infant, and the father had chosen a lifestyle that had not allowed him to be very productive. When the daughter was removed from his care and placed in a treatment center, he was forced to examine his behavior as a parent outside of socially acceptable norms. "When they started the program, they both sort of laughed at the material and found it unbelievable that families would ever use these communication skills," recalls Elkington. "After going through the program a second time, they were able to understand that family norms were different than those they had been using. They demonstrated a dramatic change in their relationship, and he has developed a network of other parents to turn to for support."

Next on Elkington's agenda is a project designed to address the problem of teen pregnancy. Last year, she teamed with a local hospital to teach 1, 2, 3, 4 Parents! to students at a local middle school. This year the school guidance counselor, a nurse from a major area hospital and Elkington are planning to implement a program that will be incorporated in the middle school health curriculum. In this new program, each student will receive a mechanical baby which he or she will care for while going through the 1, 2, 3, 4 Parents! program. The hope is that once these students experience the difficulties of caring for a baby, they will take precautions to ensure that they do not end up in a similar, real-life situation.

With this new program on the horizon and a continuing demand for parent education, Elkington doesn't plan on slowing down any time soon, which is fine with her. "I have done family therapy for 20 years and believe that these programs hold more power for change and opportunity for modification of behavior than anything I've ever seen," she says. "Leading these groups is so exciting for me and the participants can feel that. Parents have told me over and over again that they have been referred to me because of the way I present the material. That makes it easy for me to stay motivated."

(For more information, contact CAP Counseling Services at (219) 424-5814.)

Reprinted from Leader magazine.
Copyright 1998 by Active Parenting Publishers, Inc.