Yellow, red and blue balloons bounce in the air as Sam Weiland leads a Cooperative Parenting and Divorce class in Nashville, Tennessee. Bright and colorful, the balloons are a powerful teaching tool as he guides a group of divorcing parents in coping with their emotional pain and reducing the negative impact on their children.

"I give a balloon to each parent and ask them to hit it into the air for a minute or so," Weiland explains. "Each time they hit it, they are to think of a decision they make for their child, such as bedtime, activities, chores, homework routine, curfew, etc. The balloon must stay in the air the entire time, because you cannot let your child down. Then we stop and talk about the pressure parents feel to make the best decisions for their child, and the energy and concentration this requires.

"Next the parents get in pairs. As each one hits the balloon to the other, they continue to think of it as making a decision on behalf of their child. While keeping the balloon in the air they are effectively sharing the responsibility for these decisions. They soon see that sharing the responsibility helps keep the focus on the child but reduces the pressure and strain on each parent."

Weiland, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Listed Rule 31 Mediator with the Tennessee Supreme Court, has been leading Cooperative Parenting and Divorce classes since 1999. "These classes are a passion for me," he says, "because in my work as a family therapist, I have seen kids who are living out the legacy of their parents' divorce in very dysfunctional ways."

When he considered getting trained to lead parenting classes for divorcing couples, Weiland looked at several programs. "I selected Cooperative Parenting and Divorce because it was developed by a licensed marriage and family therapist. The emphasis on relationship dynamics, child development and communication skills really helps parents reflect on their behavior and make changes that will affect their children for a lifetime."

He began by teaching the 20-hour class in Knoxville, but when he moved to Nashville last year he modified the curriculum to fit the 4-hour class required by area courts. Parents can choose a weeknight or Saturday morning session, whichever fits their schedule.

"At first when I heard I had to attend the class, I thought it was an inconvenience because I've been a parent for nine years," says Jodi Pulley, mother of three, who opted for the Saturday session. She now believes "the class was very beneficial and will keep me from making big mistakes in the future."

Parental Conflict Affects Kids Far Into the Future

Early in the class Weiland explains that childhood emotions and behaviors affected by parental actions include: happiness, aggression, anxiety, anger, coping skills, personality development, confidence, relationships and security. He senses a reality shift as he hands out cards and asks each parent to read aloud an anecdotal account of how parental conflict has affected a child of divorce far into the future. Among the anecdotes are the stories of 20-year-old Angela, who is depressed and describes her parent's divorce when she was 10 as the most significant experience of her childhood; Terrence, who is in frequent trouble at school and has few friends; and LaTasha, a woman who will do anything to keep a man because she is afraid of being alone.

"It's a sobering moment for these mothers and fathers," reflects Weiland, "as they are forced to look ahead at what happens if they do not make a sustained effort to develop a decent co-parenting relationship with their ex-spouse.

"Then as the class progresses with videos, activities and discussion, we cover a lot of hot-button issues such as handling anger and bitterness, forcing children to choose between parents, disengaging or letting go of the ex-spouse, and communicating financial and scheduling matters. I can see the proverbial light bulb go on with parents as they begin processing how their actions, often unintentionally, can have a devastating impact on the person they love the most--their son or daughter."

Pulley provides an example: "I have learned not to tell my children 'I missed you' when they return from their father's house because it makes them feel like I have been lonely and they are responsible for my happiness and for taking care of me. Instead, I give them a big hug and say, 'It's so good to see you!' "

"One of the things that hit me immediately was the importance of not using my kids as messengers," says Steven Hartman, a father of two. "For example, before the class I would tell my teenage daughter to have her mother call me."

Disengaging from Ex-Spouse Is Crucial to Good Co-Parenting

Watching the videos was especially helpful," notes Pulley, "because they showed real-life people and how things should be handled. Visualization always helps me understand things better." She adds that when her ex-husband offered to mow the large lawn of their house she readily accepted. "Then in class Sam explained that when the ex-spouse continues to do things around the house, like car repairs or cooking, it is a form of staying engaged in the relationship. Right away I realized this was not a good decision and I 'm making arrangements for a lawn service."

The discussion about disengaging from the relationship was also helpful to Hartman, who says, "I've started doing things differently and am not as concerned about my ex-wife's personal life. I see that we have to move in different directions and that our main focus should be our kids and not our personal lives."

At the conclusion of each class, Weiland asks parents to fill out an evaluation form. He finds that in the space of a few hours most parents move from negative feelings to appreciation and they express that the class will help them avoid mistakes that could do irreparable damage to their children. Perhaps the parent who said it best wrote, "I've learned a lot and wish I had taken this class much earlier. Maybe I wouldn't be getting a divorce now."
by Diana King

Related links:
More information about Cooperative Parenting and Divorce program.

Summer 2002 training for Cooperative Parenting and Divorce trainers and leaders

Program co-author Susan Boyan tells why she was motivated to create this program.