Ask Dr. Popkin Archive

Below are some past questions from parents and workshop leaders.

• Teen violence
• Battling teen siblings
• Angry teenage son
• Stubborn toddler
• Potty-training
• Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

• Parent-teen contracts
• Active Parenting program research
• Is self-esteem important?
• Common mistakes when using logical consequences

Q. What can parents do to discern and/or prevent any possible tendencies in their teens to do severe violence or harm to self or others? 

The wave of teen-against-teen violence that peaked with the killings at Columbine last spring has many parents worried not only about their own child's safety, but also about their own child's capacity for committing such an atrocity against others. I addressed this issue in the Discussion Guide for She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martyrdom of Cassie Bernall. Although it is very difficult to accurately predict violence, the following warning signs can help parents gain a better sense of the risks: 

• A history of violent acts 
• Cruelty to animals 
• Being withdrawn, isolated, quiet, sullen 
• Bullying 
• Being a victim 
• Identification with a violent subculture 
• Deterioration in grades, dress, behavior and relationships 
• Anger-control problems 
• Use of alcohol or other drugs 
• Mood swings 
• Violent talk, threats or plans 
• Listening to violent music (especially exclusively) 
• Preoccupation with violent video games (Cassie's killers were obsessed with the game “Dune”) 

If you notice some of these warning signs in your own child or teen you may want to talk to the school counselor or other professional to assess the severity and risk.. Take acts of violence or threats very seriously. Most tragedies can be avoided if parents and others will get involved and take positive action. We are hoping that programs like She Said Yes will help communities become aware of how they can reduce the risk of violence for everyone. 

Well, if you are going to be a referee, I think you should be getting paid for the job. I suggest you have a family meeting to discuss family fighting. During the meeting establish some ground rules together about what is fair fighting and what is dirty fighting. For example, fair fighting means no hitting, pushing or other physical violence; no name-calling or personality attacks; no yelling, cursing or otherwise disturbing the peace; and of course, no mention of the other person's genetic disposition as inherited from you! 

Next, I suggest you go ahead and offer to referee. Like all good referees, your job is to make sure the fighters fight fair. Any unfair fighting results in a fine of, say, $2 per occurrence (you can make it more or less depending on what happens to taxes after the next election) paid to the referee, which you can tell them you will use to buy headache medication and a recuperative trip to the islands. I also suggest that the fine be paid by EACH participant, regardless of who is at fault. This puts them in the same boat and reduces the likelihood of one child provoking the other in order to get them fined and even more upset. 

Only if he is a gorilla. Humans are supposed to learn to manage their anger. Otherwise, like gorillas, they usually wind up in cages. 

Of course, I don't really know how you define “issues.” Everyone gets angry and that is normal. Not everybody yells obscenities and punches a hole in the door in a violent rage. If your teen is acting out his anger violently, then he needs some help. If your attempts to use Active Parenting methods are not helping, then get him to a professional counselor or therapist before he hurts himself or someone else. 

Great! I love stubborn 20-month-olds. It shows they have the backbone they'll need when it comes time to tell a fellow teenager to get lost when they're offered drugs. In the meantime, have you taken a 1,2,3,4 Parents! workshop or at least read the Parent's Guide? There you'll find some great techniques for managing toddler misbehavior that work better than time-out or hand-slapping. 

Ask Doc Pop Archives, page 2