Below are some more past questions from parents and workshop leaders.

 Q. How long should you allow a child to refuse to use the potty? Isn't it better for the child to master this step by at least age three? Does it harm the child's self-esteem to be still in diapers when his or her peers are all in underpants? 

Somewhere between ages two and three, most kids have the necessary muscle control necessary to learn this time-honored skill. There are plenty of good books on the various training techniques. Of course, avoid anything that resembles punishment as a teaching technique, because even Freud knew that harsh potty training not only injured self-esteem, but could also cause certain aberrant behavior--such as stamp collecting and being stingy with the Ben and Jerry's--to develop later. 

One popular approach uses an interesting natural consequence. Dress the child in a T-shirt or, if it is warm enough, let him go au naturel. Then when he has an accident, the unpleasant sensation of hot urine running down his legs will help remind him that potties aren't so bad after all. An alternative logical consequence is to have the child help wash out his own clothes and take a bath after accidents. 

I found that the technique of modeling worked well with my own son. He was two and we were coming home from our annual beach trip, about a six-hour drive. We stopped every hour and he and I went to the Men's Room. And there we stood, side by side, father and son, not only learning a new skill (for him, that is--I already had the knack of this one) but also doing a little primitive guy-type bonding. By the end of the trip he was completely potty trained except for an occasional accident. 

Q. My daughter has ADHD. We use logical consequences most consistently and I believe the positive discipline approach has saved our family in dealing with this challenge. I'm having concerns with continuing to follow through with logical consequences when doing so has little long range effect in altering her behavior. She continues to make the same choices even though she is clear that there will be consequences (because of our consistency) for those choices, ie. not making her school lunch - she will go hungry; not putting her laundry away - she will not have the clothes that she needs; etc. It is painful to see her remorse and self-loathing when she does this, but we have given her many tools to help her become more successful with planning and organizing her life. Yet we are committed to helping her become responsible and capable and feel that it is not only fair and reasonable in our home to follow through for her benefit but also for the consistency for her sibling. I'm a little perplexed about what to do differently when I know that the challenge of ADHD does inhibit her ability to reason and think things through as well as be receptive to input from others. Help! Any suggestions? 

Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) requires a lot of encouragement--for the parents! It is challenging to stick with it when the results are so long in coming. But because of the ADHD problem itself, it does take many more lessons before the child learns a simple skill such as remembering his lunch. Medication has helped in many cases and I do suggest it be considered as part of your overall plan if you haven't considered it yet. Talk to your pediatrician about an evaluation and a trial. 

I also recommend a book by a friend of mine, Thom Hartmann: ADD, A Different Perspective: Hunter in a Farmer's World. His theory is both fascinating and encouraging for parents and children alike. I also suggest you teach your child to make "to do" lists. Then he only has one thing to remember: to check his list! 

Finally, about this "remorse and self-loathing." You have to find a way to neutralize this tendency (or else turn it into a career like Woody Allen did). The Hartmann book should give you some ideas by helping you both recognize the plus side of ADHD and not just its problems. 

Then, I suggest you reach down deep into your sense of humor to find some light ways to remind your child when he has forgotten. You can even enforce logical consequences with a smile rather than a harsh command. For example, if you have your child using a "to do" list and you notice him going off to school without checking it and without his lunch, you might say, "List alert! List Alert! Any unchecked lists will result in a fine of $1 (or whatever the allowance market will bear)." The next time he forgets, "List bust! That'll be $1 or twenty years in prison, you choose." Make it a game to reduce the tension and let the consequences help do the teaching. 

Q. During a recent program of Active Parenting of Teens a discussion came about on contracts. Just wanted to get your thought on contract between adults and teens. I have seen several contracts, recently one from the SADD organization. Both the parent and the teen sign. I wonder how effective the contracts are and if teens really take them seriously. Any comments or thought would be greatly appreciated.

I have seen adults who do not take contracts seriously, which is one reason young people who want to make a lot of money often go into law. In other words, there is no guarantee that just because a teen signs a contract she will abide by it later. What a contract does, though, is to make it perfectly clear what is okay and what is not okay. This helps eliminate the "Oh, I didn't know you meant THAT" excuse. 

In Active Parenting of Teens we teach parents how to use contracts to help enforce a "no-use" rule regarding alcohol and other drugs. This is a way parents can stress just how important it is to avoid drugs and alcohol. As such, contracts are a lot like anger: used occasionally they can add impact to our most important values. However, if used too often they easily become ignored. Pick your issues carefully and maybe later you won't need the number of a good attorney to enforce it. 

Q. A question from a program leader: When will the program begin evaluations of effectiveness? I need this to guarantee funding for my program? 

Good news. We now have the data to back up what over two million parents and 40,000 leaders already know: Active Parenting Today and Active Parenting of Teens work! There are actually a number of studies that already confirm this, but a new nationwide evaluation done by a Georgia State University researcher, Dr. Fran Mullis, will be published this summer in the Journal of Adlerian Psychology. You can get a paper copy from us or online. You will also find supporting research for Active Teaching, Parents on Board and Free The Horses.

Q. Is self-esteem really important to my child or is it just a lot of fluff?

Both. The term "self-esteem" has been so misunderstood and misused that it can actually do harm as well as good. For example, the child who is told how wonderful he is and how great every piece of art he ever produces is--regardless of effort or result--is in for a rude awakening when he hits the real world. There is even some evidence that we are producing more and more children who feel good about themselves but who are not developing their skills and talents (as indicated by dropping test scores and academic performance).

Still, the opinion a child has of herself, her self-esteem, is a very valuable benchmark of the relationship between her thinking and her behavior. When her thinking (which includes values, attitudes and perceptions) and her behavior conform, the result is high self-esteem. For example, a child who values school and does well in school will have high self-esteem regarding school. The problem occurs when the childís perception of how she is doing is off. For example, if we tell our kids they are doing great in math by giving them high grades and a lot of encouragement, but our test scores in math do not rank internationally in the top ten, we are deluding ourselves and our children.

The key for parents is to unconditionally accept our children with love and appreciation while at the same time expecting them to do their best and to expand their skills and talents. Certainly continue to encourage their efforts, but do so honestly. Instead of saying, "What a great painting!" find something specific and honest to compliment. For example, "I really like the way you used the whole page." If your child spends 30 seconds on his next work of art and expects you to hang it in the Louvre, encourage him to take his time, plan what he is going to draw, and do another. "Not bad for thirty seconds, but even Leonardo da Vinci needed to take his time and plan his work. Let's see what you can do when you really give it some attention."
 

Q. What's the biggest mistake parents make when using logical consequences?

It is very easy to turn a logical consequence into just another form of punishment when your tone of voice and attitude are coercive. When you think, "I'm going to make him." Then the child's response is often to show you, "That's what you think!" The result is a power struggle.

It is imperative that you calm down and think before using logical consequences. Take a time-out if you need to. Then sit down with your child and calmly explain the situation. For example, "We've talked a lot about the problem I'm having getting you up in the morning. Nothing we've tried before seems to be working, so I think we need to come up with a logical consequence. Have any suggestions?"

Be ready with your own if the child has no ideas. For example, "I was thinking that you may need to get more sleep. So, whenever you get yourself up and to breakfast on time, then you can stay up that night until your regular bedtime. But if you oversleep, then you'll go to bed that night a half hour earlier." Be gentle, calm, cool, collected and loving.

Still, the opinion a child has of herself, her self-esteem, is a very valuable benchmark of the relationship between her thinking and her behavior. When her values, attitudes and perceptions conform with her behavior, the result is high self-esteem.

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