Single Parents Come in Many Ways
Successful Parenting author Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed., explains how different kinds of parents have different kinds of problemsand how we must meet that challenge

Have you ever thought about the different ways men and women become single parents? There are many, and each has its challengesand its opportunities. When working with this group, its very important to consider how they became single parents, because the issues they face may be different.

Never-married parents

Never-married single parents face issues of rejection by the other parent and by society. They often have to cope with abandonment, financial problems, the relationship with the other parent, answering questions about the other parent, and not fitting in with friends anymore.

There are also positives about being a never-married parent. They are in aposition to make their own decisions,schedule their own time, and perhaps build a stronger bond with their children. Some parents find that beingfaced with so much responsibility evenhelps them get their lives together.

Adoptive single parents

Singles who adopt have already experienced an excruciating (and probably expensive) waiting period. Now that they have their child, they must cope with extended family pressures and the feeling of being on display at all times to the authorities. They are also sorting out their feelings about having a child who is not blood-relatedespecially if it is a culturally mixed adoption.

Positives here may be that their dreams have finally come true, and they may feel the joy of having given another person a life he/she would never have had without them.

Family member taking over parenting

There are many reasons why family membersoften grandparentsmay take over raising a child. Perhaps the biological parents have been called away to military service. Sometimes the parents are incarcerated. Often the reasons have to do with the parents being just too young, too poor, too sick, or too unstable due to drug or alcohol abuse, to raise their children. These are particularly tough since the take-over parent will have to field questions from the children about the absent parent and aid them in the process of learning to forgive the absent parent.

Since the biological parent is often still in the picture, there may be problems including disagreements over what is right, and children who are confused about who the authority figure is. Then there is the question of when to have the biological parents resume the care of the child.

Positives here may be that the child gets to remain a member of the family rather than being raised by another family or turned over to a social service agency. Sometimes it is easier to set up a schedule for the biological parent to visit with his or her child.

Death of a parent

The death of a parent is unlike any other single-parent situation. It is permanent and thats hard for everyone to understand and accept. Children ask why, and there is no easy answer. How should each person grieve? How long is too long? What is appropriate and okay? Feelings of anger, fear, and guilt may take over the children and even the caregiver.

Divorce

The final situation resulting in single parenting is when married couples separate and later divorce. This causes special problems because it is a choice and it may be hard for one spouse or the children to understand. Issues of unfaithfulness, lying, alcoholism, and abandonment only complicate the problem. Communication between former spouses may be very difficult and the children may end up in the middle. It is important that the parents be mature and work together in the best interests of the children. (It takes lots of hard work and maturity to separate or divorce successfully, with as little damage to the children as possible.)

As hard as it is to say, sometimes separation or divorce may be the best option, particularly if there is spousal or even child abuse involved.

There are indeed many ways to become a single parent. Our challenge as parenting educators is to help families rise above the circumstances. Do it for the children. They deserve it.

Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed., is the author of the Successful Parenting series, which includes two videos for single parent families.

The Single-Parent Family series
Each video comes with a Facilitator's Guide. $49.95 each. Take-Home Booklets for participants sold separately.

The Single Parent Family: A Challenge For Children
Take-Home Booklet
Details the single-parent family experience from the point of view of children. Features real problems and helpful suggestions. For children six and older. (15 min.)

 

The Single Parent Family: A Challenge for Parents
Take-Home Booklet
Being the head of a single parent family can be one tough challenge, but it can be done successfully. This video offers valuable insights for parents who are currently single parents or getting ready to assume this role. (27 min.)

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Songs for Successful Parenting
16 Songs to Inspire Parents with Practical Tips from the Successful Parenting Video Series
Available in CD or cassette format.

This collection of songs, written by video series author Barbara-Lynn Taylor and Kim Ratz (and performed by Ratz), reinforces the lessons of Successful Parenting. Each song covers an aspect of parentingsuch as communication, discipline, consequences and homework hasslesin a fun and memorable way.

The songs can be used in connection with the videos or all by themselves. Click here for a complete list of songs, the corresponding videos, and more information.

Reprinted from Leader magazine.
Copyright 2003 by Active Parenting Publishers, Inc.